In This Moment Read online

  If Xander were here, I know exactly what he’d say. “The dude was checking you out because you’re so damn sexy. He can’t have you, though. You’re all mine.”

  He always had a way of making me feel so beautiful.

  An image of Xander with a crooked smile on his face pops into my mind, a giggle erupting from me as I picture him waggling his eyebrows suggestively. The heaviness on my chest feels instantly lighter with my laughter. It isn’t something I experience often anymore.

  “What’s so funny, Momma?” Maddison asks, her eyes meeting mine in the rearview mirror.

  “Nothing, sweetie. I was just thinking about something I saw in the library,” I answer, hoping she’ll drop the subject. Maddison tends to be relentless when she asks a question, and the more info you give, the more she wants to know about it.

  “Was it that man smiling at you? Is that who was looking at your paper?” she prods. I swear, the girl never misses a thing. A sigh being my only response to her question, she continues. “I think he thought you were pretty.”

  I smile at her as a loving warmth flows through me. She reminds me so much of her father. My little Xander 2.0. She may be the spitting image of me with her long, dark hair and green eyes, but she acts like her daddy. There was a time when them being so much alike would drive me crazy—Maddison possessing every infuriating trait Xander had—but now, it only makes me love her all the more. Especially when I see the best parts of him radiating through.

  Sean doesn’t know any different. The stressed out, quick-tempered mom who cries over her glass of wine at night is the only mom he’s ever known. Maddison, though, my sweet little girl, she remembers what it used to be like. She remembers what I used to be like.

  I hadn’t realized how much everything had impacted her until her teacher called me a few weeks into the new school year. It was a shock, to say the least. Maddison isn’t a troublemaker. She gets good grades and listens to her teachers. Even when she had a teacher she didn’t like, she still managed to stay out of trouble. So, I felt blindsided by the disheartening call.

  I sat in shocked silence, listening as her teacher went on about how she felt Maddison was profoundly depressed and angry. It felt as if someone had punched me in the gut. Nothing she said sounded anything like my Maddison. I couldn’t wrap my head around the odd conversation.

  When Maddison’s teacher originally suggested she speak with the school counselor a couple of times a week, I was completely opposed to the idea. I tend to avoid confrontation. Especially with her teachers. The last thing I wanted to do was make her life harder at school. But that conversation hadn’t gone very smoothly. She called my baby girl a special project, and my blood boiled.

  I wanted to tell her to go to hell, that Maddison would tell me if something was bothering her. But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true. Not anymore. I’ve been a complete mess since Xander’s death and in need of some counseling myself. It made sense she wouldn’t feel comfortable coming to me with her troubles. I was so wrapped up in my own sorrow, I failed to see how much she was suffering too.

  A week later, Maddison started her counseling sessions. That was a huge wakeup call for me. I want to be the mom she and Sean deserve again. The kind of mom who bakes cookies and does crafts with her kids on the weekends. A PTO mom who never misses a single field trip or school party.

  Before my life changed two and a half years ago, I was a pretty kick ass mom. It was the one thing in life I felt confident about. But I’ve been failing my baby girl since I lost Xander. I fell apart, and it forced her to grow up way too quickly. It’s almost as if she lost both parents that day.

  I want to be better and feel better. To be the person I used to be. But I don’t know how to get back there. Or if I even can. It feels like I’ve lost the best parts of me.

  Brenden

  “Yo, earth to Brenden!” Jon shouts as something hits me in the back of the head.

  Rubbing the sting away, I turn in my desk chair to face him. Before I have a chance to respond, he switches on the overhead light in my bedroom, causing me to wince. I must have been sitting in here longer than I realized. I hadn’t noticed the room getting darker as the sun went down.

  “Dude, what gives?” I ask on a harsh breath, glaring at him with narrowed eyes.

  “That’s what I was wondering myself.” He leans against the doorframe, crossing his feet before popping another peanut into his mouth. “Why the hell are you sitting in the damn dark? Did you even hear a word I said?”

  Shrugging, I give him a guilty, lopsided grin. It’s that damn woman from the library. She’s still plaguing my thoughts, hours later. I don’t know what to make of the pull I felt toward her. I’ve never felt anything like it, and it’s knocked me on my ass.

  I keep thinking about the haunting sadness in her eyes. She looked like she was merely striving to survive every moment of life rather than embrace it. It’s left my mind reeling, wondering what could possibly have her viewing life that way.

  My thoughts are interrupted again when Jon throws another peanut at me, hitting me in the forehead this time.

  “Seriously? What the fuck, dude?” I hiss, coming to my feet.

  “You were doing it again.” Jon straightens, holding his hands up in surrender, his forehead creased in confusion. “What’s your deal? Where’s your head at?”

  “Nowhere.” Jon recoils at my snappy tone, and an instant twinge of regret knots in my stomach. This woman has taken over my entire headspace, and it’s left me feeling abnormally on edge. “What’s so damn important?” I ask, lowering myself back into my chair.

  “I was trying to tell you about the plans for tomorrow night.” He still sounds a little sullen but makes his way into my room, running his hands through his long, wavy blond hair before tucking them into his front pockets.

  “What about them?” I tilt my head to look at the ceiling, willing the tension to leave my body.

  Jon shouldn’t have to deal with me acting like an asshole. He’s been my best friend for as far back as I can remember, and he’s stuck around through thick and thin for longer than I deserve. Far too much of my life has been wasted feeling sorry for myself, and I have a bad habit of taking my grievances out on other people—mainly Jon.

  He’s always been aware and accepting of my issues, though. They’d been the catalyst of our friendship. In second grade, when my alcoholic father busted my lip for getting in his way, I took it out on the first person who attempted to show me compassion. Poor Allison was in tears when Jon stepped in. He was half my size and stood up to me to protect someone he cared about without fear. It was so admirable. I wanted someone like that in my life.

  I’ve never deserved having a friend like Jon Alder, but I’m damn sure grateful for him.

  Jon is the one who encouraged me and helped me get back on my feet these last few years. Despite my continuous efforts to push him away. He’s a rare breed—loyal and kind, almost to a fault. There’s no doubt in my mind I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am today without his friendship.

  “Dinner with my parents,” he bites out.

  Guilt washes over me again. I forgot his parents were coming to visit tomorrow. “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to be a shithead,” I apologize, bringing my eyes back to focus on him. “You have my full attention this time, I swear.” I shoot him my best toothy smile and straighten in my chair.

  “Screw you, dude. Your panty-dropping smile doesn’t work on me.” He crosses his arms, but his attempt to appear angry is foiled by the twitch of his lip, and he quickly gives up the act.

  Letting out a sigh, he shakes his head before continuing. “Okay, like I was saying, we’re meeting at Outback.” Pausing, he lifts an eyebrow, questioning whether I’m still listening. I nod and gesture for him to continue. “Make sure you’re there at seven, dipshit. I’m not covering for you again if you get sidetracked by some woman.”

  I rub the hair on my jawline and laugh. He was so pissed when I ditched dinner to hop
on a plane to Vegas with a woman I’d met only a few hours prior. “Don’t hate on me for living my life in the moment. Besides, I’d never been to Vegas. I wasn’t about to pass up an opportunity like that.”

  “I get it, dude, and I would much rather you be living in the moment than acting like a little emo fucker with a damn chip on his shoulder, but—”

  He laughs as I flip him off. “But if you do that to me again, you’ll be the one explaining to Mom and Dad how you flaked on them so you could blow your load in some random chick.”

  Scoffing, I get up and walk over to my dresser. Jon often refers to his parents as if they’re mine too, and I’ve never been sure how I feel about it. They’ve certainly been there for me more than my biological parents ever were, but they weren’t the ones responsible for raising me—no matter how much I wish they were.

  “Don’t get your damn panties in a bunch,” I reply, rifling through the drawers of my dresser for a change of boxers and a clean black T-shirt. “I’ll be there.”

  Angela asked me to go with her to a new club in Nashville tonight, and I’m hoping she can help rid my thoughts of that woman. She’s the closest I get to anything resembling a girlfriend. We have a mutual agreement. It’s good to have someone you can go to when you’re in need of a release. Much safer than picking up random strangers, never knowing what you might end up with.

  “You better be, asshole.”

  “Or what?” Brushing past him on my way to the shower, I nudge him with my shoulder. “You going to do something about it, little man?”

  Jon scowls as I laugh and make my way down the hall. He’s always been smaller than me and despises being teased about it. Which, of course, only makes it more fun.

  “I’m going out,” I tell him. “Don’t wait up, kiddo.”

  3

  Elizabeth

  “Who wants ice cream?” Xander asks in a singsong voice, a boyish smile spreading across his face.

  “I do, I do!” Maddison and I shout in unison.

  He laughs and reaches over to take my hand, lacing his fingers through mine before bringing it to his lips. A warmth runs through me from the light kiss he places on my knuckles.

  I trace circles on his hand with my thumb and whisper, “Your love is better than ice cream.”

  “Sarah McLaughlin.” He winks, looking rather pleased with himself.

  The shrill sound of Sean’s scream startles me, bringing the cold, hard reality back down around me.

  “For the love of god, Maddison, please give him whatever it is so he’ll stop screaming. As long as he can’t harm himself or others, I don’t care!” I shout, keeping my place on the living room couch.

  The dim light from the window tells me the day has nearly slipped away. Most people would want to celebrate a day like today, but I’ve chosen to ignore it altogether. I turned off my phone first thing this morning and wasted the day away lounging around in my pajamas.

  Saturdays used to be my favorite day of the week. They were for relaxing and enjoying time with my family. Xander made every Saturday fun—taking us to the zoo on beautiful sunny days or to see a movie on rainy ones. I know he would’ve done everything he could to make this particular Saturday amazing.

  After Xander’s accident, our fun Saturdays stopped altogether. Last year, I tried to make our Saturdays special again. It was a complete failure. I hated letting my kids down, but it proved to be too much.

  I gasp at the quick, sharp knock on my front door and jolt off the couch. Unexpected visitors at my door tend to make me a little anxious, but this one isn’t all that unexpected. I knew she’d show up at some point today, but part of me still hoped she’d let this one slide.

  Beating me to the door, Maddison calls out, “It’s Lori and Aunt Cat!” She looks at me with excitement, awaiting permission to open the door for them.

  Despite the slight reluctance I feel, I nod my head and gesture for her to go ahead.

  My sister, Catelyn, and her best friend, Lori, haven’t stopped their mission to help me cope with Xander’s death. They mean well, and I love them for it, but I’m not in the mood for their pep talks today.

  I stand back in the hallway while Cat and Lori make their way into the small foyer, acknowledging and fussing over the kids. Cat gives them hugs and kisses their cheeks before handing them each a giant cookie and sending them into the kitchen.

  “Are you seriously still in your pajamas?” Cat asks when she finally reaches me, her forehead creasing as her mouth twists in disapproval.

  “It’s nice to see you too, Cat,” I deadpan, turning away from her and walking back into the living room. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit today?”

  “You know damn well why we’re here. You can turn off your phone and try to hide from everyone all day if you want, but I’m not going to miss celebrating my baby sister’s thirtieth birthday.”

  She laughs as I groan and pinch the bridge of my nose. The last thing I feel like doing is celebrating. Besides, I’m not ready to turn thirty.

  “We’re taking you out to dinner for your birthday, like it or not,” Lori chimes in, patting my shoulder as she chuckles along with Cat. “Now, go take a shower and get dressed.”

  My tiny living room feels even smaller with Cat and Lori’s dominating personalities filling the space, the beige walls suddenly closing in on me.

  “No thanks,” I respond, attempting to flop back onto the couch.

  “We’re not asking,” Cat reiterates, pulling on my arm to keep me from sitting. “You need to get out of this house, and you need a break from being Mommy. Now, go get showered and changed. We’ll play with the kids until the sitter arrives.”

  “Sitter? I don’t—”

  “Yes, my friend Bethany is coming to sit with the kiddos. Cat and I both know her well. You don’t have anything to worry about,” Lori answers.

  “But I can’t—” I try to protest again but snap my mouth shut when I catch the scowl on Cat’s face.

  “It’s your birthday for Christ’s sake. We’re going out to celebrate.” Cat’s voice is thick with emotion, her eyes glossing over. “Now, go.”

  I frown as she points me to the bedroom like I’m a child, not bothering to argue before making my way.

  In true Cat and Lori fashion, they pick the restaurant without asking me. It’s not that I don’t like Outback, it’s the crowd that bothers me—a fact they’re both well aware of. I’ve been ready to crawl out of my skin since the moment we walked in the door to an overcrowded waiting area.

  There are happy couples everywhere I look as we make our way to a booth in the back of the restaurant. Their smiling faces make my stomach knot with jealousy and despair. By the time we’re seated, my head is throbbing in protest of the conversations and laughter filling the space. My emotions are in complete chaos, but I force a smile and focus on my breathing.

  “You should call Mom.” Cat looks at me over the top of her menu. “She was upset about having to sing happy birthday to your voicemail.”

  “I will,” I reply, my chest burning with shame. “I haven’t felt much like celebrating today. I mean, who wants to celebrate turning thirty?”

  “Shit, you should celebrate.” Lori grins. “Thirty is fabulous. I like my thirties much better than I did my twenties.”

  “Right,” Cat agrees, nodding. “My twenties sucked. I like myself so much better now.”

  I chuckle and shake my head. It’s hard to imagine that something better is waiting for me in my thirties after losing my future.

  “And the sex.” Lori’s loud voice causes my face to burn bright, my eyes scanning the room to see if anyone heard her. “The sex is so much better. I feel like they’ve finally learned a thing or two. I spend a lot less time instructing and a lot more time enjoying these days.”

  “Now that, I wouldn’t know about.” Cat sighs. “I don’t even know if I remember what sex feels like at this point.”

  “Jesus,” I groan. “Can we keep the sex talk down in p
ublic places?”

  “Oh, calm down.” Lori rolls her eyes, waving her hand as if batting me away. “No one can hear our conversation. You’d both be a lot more relaxed and happier if you got laid once in a while.”

  My breath catches as fear creeps in. The last thing I need is for them to start in on me about dating again. Xander has been gone for over two years, but to me, I’m still a married woman. It’d feel like a betrayal.

  “Oh yeah, because you’re the perfect picture of laidback and happy,” Cat retorts, twisting her mouth.

  Lori flips her off, and I let out a coiled breath as they both laugh.

  4

  Elizabeth

  “That was good, ladies. I’m stuffed,” I say, patting my belly. “Thank you for bringing me out. You were right, I needed this.”

  Cat and Lori share a look, an unspoken conversation between them. I hold my breath, praying they aren’t waiting for people to show up at our table to sing happy birthday to me. When they excuse themselves to the bathroom, leaving me to watch their purses, a harsh exhale rushes out. Being alone makes my heart rate spike, and I start getting fidgety again.

  I pull out my phone as a distraction, not surprised to see there are no emails or Facebook notifications waiting for me. I’ve alienated most of my friends over the past couple of years by ignoring their calls and invitations.

  Someone joins me in the booth, but I keep my head bent, eyes focused on my phone.

  “So, are you going to take me home now?” I ask, scrolling through Twitter.

  My gaze lifts at the lack of response, finding an unfamiliar face. I gasp as my heart jumps into my throat.

  “I’m ready when you are, beautiful.” The man turns his smile up a notch, revealing a set of perfect white teeth.