In This Moment Read online

  “Stalker much?” I ask, pulling my features together to feign disapproval rather than the excitement I feel.

  “Perhaps.” He rubs his jaw. “What can I say? You’re an extremely beautiful girl. I know a good thing when I see it, and I was not about to leave meeting you to chance.”

  Brenden

  “Lizzy?” I call out.

  Goose bumps form on my skin when she doesn’t respond. Her eyes go unfocused, her breathing labored. I saw one of my kids have a panic attack once, and it looked very similar to what’s happening with her now.

  “Lizzy, are you okay?”

  Still nothing.

  My own panic begins to set in, my heart racing. When her breathing becomes more erratic, I move closer, pulling her chair away from the table and toward me. She inhales sharp breaths, her exhales short, struggling to calm herself.

  “Take deep breaths, Lizzy,” I coach, keeping my voice low and soothing. “Breathe. Slow, deep breaths.”

  She leans into me as I stroke her back, breathing steadier as her head lands on my shoulder. My body stiffens when her hands grasp my shirt, the despair pouring from her causing my heart to stutter.

  “That’s it, Lizzy. Focus on each breath, okay? You’ve got this, beautiful.”

  I continue to caress her back, my tight muscles relaxing as her breathing normalizes.

  After a few moments, she lifts her head from my shoulder and peers into my eyes. Blotches stain her porcelain skin from the tears still rolling down her cheeks. Her glossy green eyes move back and forth over my face, a haziness still heavy in them. “Xander?”

  6

  Elizabeth

  “Shh…you’re all right.”

  A deep male voice coaxes me into consciousness, and the present begins to seep its way back in. His voice calms me while others chatter in the distance.

  “No,” the strong voice replies to the distant muttering. “She’s fine. I have it under control.”

  My vision starts to clear as the fog lifts from my mind. I take in my surroundings, my mind processing the warm arms around me and the hard chest under my head.

  When I take another deep inhale, a mixture of leather, the outdoors, and a faint aroma of a masculine, musky scent washes over me.

  Everything begins to click into place, and my heart nearly stops.

  I had a panic attack for the first time in months. In a public place. And the arms offering me so much comfort…belong to Brenden.

  I launch out of my chair, effectively knocking myself to the ground.

  Perfect. It’s not like I haven’t made a big enough fool of myself already.

  Brenden jumps to his feet, eyes wide with concern. “Shit, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I ignore his hand as he extends it to me, stumbling to my feet on my own. Humiliation burns in my chest as I look at him.

  “Are you sure?” He places his large hands on my shoulders as he leans in to study my face, his searing touch heating my entire body.

  I nod, trying to reassure myself as much as him. “I’m okay.”

  He releases me, and my skin instantly mourns the contact.

  “Is there anything I can do or get for you?” His tone is soft and nonjudgmental, soothing the sting of my embarrassment.

  “Not unless you have a hole I can crawl into or a rock to crawl under.” I offer him a pitiful half-smile.

  Once the dust from the chaos of Xander’s accident settled, I started having panic attacks. Every time my mind tried to process what was happening, it would go into freakout mode. I thought they’d get better as time passed, so I tried to deal with them myself.

  They plagued my daily life for six months before I finally sought out professional help. I’ve never trusted therapists, but Dr. Christine Gentry’s techniques have been effective.

  Until now.

  “I’m afraid I’m all out,” he quips, shrugging as his mouth quirks up in an encouraging smile.

  I stand stock still as he tucks a stray hair behind my ear, the caress sending a tiny electric shock through me. It should upset me that he keeps finding ways to touch me, but each one only leaves me wanting another.

  “I should go,” I rush out, stepping around him and reaching to grab my things from the table.

  “I’ll walk you to your car.” His firm, matter-of-fact tone tells me he isn’t asking, and I’m too embarrassed to argue.

  Instead, I head toward my car as fast as my legs will carry me, with Brenden hot on my trail.

  I hit the unlock button on my key fob the second my car comes into view, making it to the door in record time.

  Brenden brushes by, opening the door for me. The gesture makes me feel irrationally annoyed. I swing around, ready to give him hell, but the look on his face makes me pause. He’s regarding me as if I’m someone he cares for, even though he doesn’t know me at all. His hair and clothes are a little more disheveled than they were when he arrived, and there’s a weariness in his eyes. It would almost appear as if my panic attack has affected him as much as it has me.

  “I brought your coffee,” he says, holding it up. “You didn’t get a chance to drink much of it and I figure a person who drinks a coffee this big is pretty serious about it.”

  I take it from him. “Thank you.” A smile pulls at the corners of my mouth, but I press my lips into a hard line, shutting it down cold.

  This friendly flirtation with him is getting out of hand, and now he’s seen a part of me that should’ve remained hidden.

  In the span of three days, he’s gone from a strange man in the library to Brenden, the random guy who hits on me. Now, he’s the guy who held me while I had a panic attack. It’s too much.

  “Look,” I say, my tone much sharper than a moment ago, “I appreciate what you did for me back there, but you’re barking up the wrong tree.”

  A wide smile spreads across his face, revealing those perfect white teeth. “Are you calling me a dog, Lizzy?”

  “If the collar fits,” I counter, unable to keep the corners of my own mouth from curving into a smile.

  He lets out a light chuckle as our eyes lock. My heart flutters, a lump forming in my throat as his eyes move from mine, down to my lips, then back.

  “I need to go.” I break eye contact and get in my car, but Brenden holds the door to keep me from shutting it.

  My gaze snaps up, my shaky hands reaching out to grip the steering wheel. I can’t even process why he’d still be trying to pursue me after what he saw today.

  Why would he be interested in a broken mess with two kids? What the hell is he doing?

  “Lizzy?” he says, leaning down as his eyes lock on mine again.

  My pulse races. His stare is too intense, his face so close to mine I can feel his breath on my cheek.

  “Yes?” I sound every bit as breathless as I feel.

  “It’s okay. We all have it.” His eyes grow darker as they peer into mine, the haunting effect causing goose bumps on my skin. It’s as if he’s seeing past my flesh and bone to examine my very soul, leaving me more vulnerable and exposed than I’ve ever been.

  “We all have what?” I ask, stuttering each word.

  “A darkness.”

  His answer sends my brain scrambling as he stands, my mouth hanging open as I watch him close my door and walk away.

  Brenden

  The ringing of my phone brings me out of my trance, and I curse.

  I’ve been sitting in this damn parking lot for thirty minutes trying to get my shit together, replaying everything that happened with Lizzy on a loop. My emotions are all over the place.

  It doesn’t make any sense to care so much for someone you don’t even know. Yet here I sit, feeling completely wrecked from the pain that was dimming her bright green eyes.

  My grip tightens on the steering wheel as I answer, “Hello?”

  “Brenden?” Cat questions, like she’s surprised I answered my own phone. “What happened? Lizzy called and said she’d be home soon. She sounded upset.”
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  My chest burns as I take a deep breath to calm myself. How do I tell her this did not go according to plan?

  Cat showed back up at the restaurant last night, asking to speak to me about her sister. It was odd to say the least, but I was desperate to learn more about the woman who so easily captured my attention. So, I decided to hear her out.

  She told me Lizzy’s husband is no longer in the picture but she’s having a hard time moving on. Not going to lie, it was nice to hear I’m the first guy she’s showed any interest in. Still, it took some convincing on her part for me to agree to give her my number so she could arrange for me to see Lizzy again.

  “Nothing.” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Everything went fine.”

  The lie causes unease in my chest, but telling her about the panic attack would feel like a betrayal to Lizzy. Even if I barely know the girl.

  “You’re not giving up already, are you?” Her voice raises an octave. “I warned you she wouldn’t make it easy on you.”

  My jaw works back and forth, my breathing growing heavier as my anger spikes. Losing my temper won’t do me any good though. She did warn me—and I thought I was up for the challenge. Only, there’s clearly a lot more to Lizzy’s story than Cat let on.

  I sigh. “No, I’m not giving up.”

  It’s my fault. I’m the one who didn’t even bother asking any questions before blindly jumping into something I knew was a bad idea.

  “Then what—”

  “Who’s Xander?”

  “What?” She sounds caught off guard by my clipped tone, or maybe by the question itself. “Did she tell you about Xander?”

  “She mentioned him briefly,” I answer.

  “Well, I don’t think it’s my place to—”

  “It wasn’t your place to get involved in her love life either but that didn’t stop you.”

  Cat lets out a gasp at my outburst.

  “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I got the impression that Xander’s really important to her.”

  Cat exhales, but otherwise remains mute.

  I run my hand through my hair, tugging on the ends as I wait for her to hang up on me.

  “Xander,” she begins, the break in the silence causing my pulse to jump, “Xander was Lizzy’s husband.”

  My stomach bottoms out as her words sink in, my fingers nervously tapping on the steering wheel. This information shouldn’t bother me. But thinking about the way she said his name, like she was desperate for him, makes my chest tighten.

  “So, she still loves him.” It’s not a question. Even if I hadn’t seen it in her eyes, the fact that she still refers to herself as married is a dead giveaway. “Will he be coming back into the picture?”

  If he still loves her too, I’ll have no choice but to walk away. The thought makes my stomach sink.

  “If you want to know about Xander, you should ask Lizzy,” she says.

  “But—”

  “I have to go,” Cat says, before disconnecting the call.

  “Damn it.” I throw my phone onto the dashboard, the commotion gaining the attention of a passerby who looks at me before scurrying away.

  This is not going to end well for me.

  7

  Elizabeth

  “Do you remember the first time we met?” I whisper into the fall air.

  Wind blows through the trees, leaves raining down around me. It makes me feel closer to Xander. The picturesque setting is why I chose this cemetery. I find comfort in the beauty of my surroundings.

  “I’d practically sworn off men and love in general,” I scoff. The idea of swearing off love at only eighteen seems absurd to me now. “But you still managed to charm your way into my heart.”

  I smile as tears track down my cheeks, the memory of that night filling my mind again. I was downright rude to him, but that didn’t deter Xander. He refused to give up on me, so I finally agreed to go out with him.

  My heart begins to ache, the silence screaming the realities of the here and now. The agony of losing him engulfs me, making my emotions go haywire.

  Coming here after having a panic attack probably wasn’t the best idea, but I felt a need to be close to Xander—to talk to him. I’ve become accustomed to our one-sided conversations since he’s been gone. But laughing and talking with Brenden today felt good. It made me long for more.

  “Why!” I shout as my emotions settle on anger. “Why go through all of that with me? Why make me believe in love and happily ever after if you were going to leave me?”

  Sobbing, I collapse to the ground. Tears stream down my face as my body quakes and heaves against my will.

  “Why make me whole only to leave me feeling empty?” My whispered words crack through a broken sob, and I bury my face in my hands.

  I let it all out. The pain, the anger, the sadness, the crushing weight of desperation. My tears fall freely until I feel lighter, my hand swiping the moisture from my cheeks as I catch my breath.

  Silence continues to fill the air around me, as I knew it would. But I know exactly what he’d say. And I don’t need clichéd optimism right now.

  “No, it is not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. That’s such bullshit,” I reply to no one, like an insane person.

  That’s not how I truly feel, though. Deep down, I know my life is better because of Xander’s love. I was a mess before I met him. Unsuccessful ventures in love left me bitter and untrusting, but he saved me from myself. He healed me—and my heart.

  If it hadn’t been for him, I may’ve never learned to truly love myself. I certainly wouldn’t have my two beautiful, perfect babies. Maddison and Sean are worth it all. The pain and heartbreak—they’re worth everything.

  My anger begins to dissolve, leaving guilt in its wake. I’ve been so selfish and blinded by my own pain. Maddison turned to a stranger for the comfort and support she should’ve been getting from me. Sean has become so desperate for my attention it’s transformed him into a terror.

  I know what I need to do—what I should have done a long time ago. I need to let go. Let go of the future I thought I’d share with Xander. Let go of the anger I feel toward the man who ran that red light and took his life. I need to forgive him, and I need to forgive Xander for leaving me to deal with this all on my own.

  I’ve allowed my sadness and loneliness to consume me for the past two years. I’ve done everything I could to hold on to Xander. In the process, I closed myself off from everyone and everything I once loved. It was easier to hide from the outside world than face the harsh reality it held.

  “I’m so sorry, Xander.”

  As the words drift into the air, I realize I also need to forgive myself.

  Xander hadn’t woken me before he left that morning for work, and I remember feeling so appreciative because I’d been so tired. It hadn’t occurred to me I’d never see him again—that I was missing my last chance to kiss his cheek and tell him I loved him. I’ve wished a thousand times I’d gotten up with him that morning, but I can’t go back.

  “I promise I’m going to do better by our babies. I’m going to be the mother they deserve. If we’re going to get through this, we need to do it together. I get that now.”

  I try in vain to wipe away the new onslaught of tears, but more continue to fall. “I lost myself when I lost you, but I promise I’m going to do everything in my power to find her again. I’ll always love you, Xander, but I need to start letting go. If I have any hope of moving on and healing, I have to accept that you’re not coming back to me.”

  I stand slowly and take a deep breath, summoning all my strength. Admitting that to myself is hard, but also empowering. I’ve been treating the past two years like a bad dream I’d eventually wake from. Accepting it as my reality gives me more control.

  “Goodbye, Xander.”

  This time, I don’t pause to wait for a response I know I’ll never get. I finally feel ready to start the healing process; to stop picking at this
scab and making it bleed.

  I know I can’t expect to be the person I was before, but I also know there’s more to Elizabeth Shea than this heartache. I’m ready to reclaim those parts of myself.

  Brenden

  “What is this all about?”

  “Shit,” I shout, nearly jumping out of my skin, “I didn’t realize anyone else was here.” I don’t think I’ve ever been this on edge in my life, but it’s pretty much how I’ve stayed since the moment I saw Lizzy.

  “Clearly.” Allison smirks, propping herself against the edge of my dresser. “Do you always go around cursing and throwing your stuff around when no one is here?”

  “What are you doing here anyway? Your other half is working late tonight,” I lie, hating the thought of telling her Jon is on a date.

  I’ve known Allison Santos for as long as I’ve known Jon. The two of them have been inseparable since they were five. He professed his undying love and intention to marry her by the time they were seven.

  It’s Jon’s fear that keeps him from being with her. He says he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship by trying to make their relationship into something it isn’t. He doesn’t realize Allison is in love with him too. I wish they’d get over their hang-ups and be together already. I’m sure sick of being stuck in the middle all the time.

  No matter how hard Allison tries to deny it, there is always hurt in her eyes when he’s with other women, and it makes me want to cause him physical pain. Over the years, Allison’s become like a sister to me. I don’t like seeing her upset.

  “No, he’s not.” She looks down at the floor to hide the disappointment on her face. “I know he has a hot date.”

  The wide smile she plants on her face doesn’t match the dullness in her eyes. Allison is a pro at covering up her emotions, but I’ve known her long enough to see through it.

  “I just needed to get away from my roommate,” she adds. “She’s driving me crazy. It’s about time I find a new place to live, but I have to wait until our lease is up. Now, tell me what your tantrum was all about.”