In This Moment Page 5

  “I didn’t throw a tantrum.” I take a seat at my desk and cross my arms, hoping she’ll drop it.

  “Really?” She holds up the remote I nearly broke, one eyebrow raised and a half-cocked smile on her face.

  “You wouldn’t understand,” I grit out, rolling my shoulders.

  “Try me.” She takes a seat on the edge of my bed.

  “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” I turn my back to her, looking out the window. If anyone could get me to open up and talk, it would be Allison, but I don’t know how to explain something I don’t understand. “It’s complicated.”

  “Complicated? Since when does Brenden Scott do complicated?”

  “I don’t.” I stand to face her again, running my hand through my hair. Allison’s eyes stay glued on me as I walk from my desk to the door and back again. “But this is—”

  “Complicated?” she snickers, leaning forward to rest her elbow on her knee, chin on her hand.

  “No, smartass,” I grumble, coming to a stop in front of her. “This is different.”

  “Wow, are you actually falling for someone?” Allison’s eyes draw in as she chews on her bottom lip, her stare becoming intrusive as she waits for my response.

  “No,” I answer with a wave of my hand. “I don’t even know her.”

  “But there is someone?” she asks, perking up.

  “Ugh, no.” Tugging at the ends of my hair, I begin pacing the floor again. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  “You’re right. This does sound complicated,” Allison teases.

  “I’m so glad I can provide some entertainment for you,” I deadpan, plopping back down on my desk chair.

  “I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes talking to someone can help. And here I am—someone.” She blinks rapidly and frames her face with both hands under her chin. She looks a little crazy instead of portraying the innocence she’s going for.

  When she begins laughing at herself, I join in, releasing some of the stress built up inside me. “You’re not going to drop it or leave until I tell you, are you?”

  “Nope.” She lies back on my bed and props my pillows up against the frame, making herself at home.

  “Okay.” I sigh, gripping the back of my neck. “Here’s the deal.”

  By the time I finish recounting my rather strange and unsettling weekend, my heart is racing again. Nervous energy surges through me as I run my clammy hands down my thighs, one leg bouncing nonstop while I wait for her reaction.

  Allison, on the other hand, is as still as a statue, her brows drawn together while her eyes scan my face as if she doesn’t recognize me.

  “You have to say something,” I plead, hating the high-pitched desperation in my tone.

  “I don’t know what to say, Brenden.” She frowns.

  “What does that mean? You always have something to say.” Shooting back to my feet, I shove my chair under my desk before walking to the other side of the room.

  “Okay, well, maybe I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not sure I can offer anything that’ll make you feel better.”

  “Care to elaborate?” I prod.

  “That really is complicated—too complicated.”

  I throw my hands up in the air. “No shit. Want to tell me something I don’t know?”

  “Don’t get all huffy with me,” she says, crossing her arms. “As your friend, it’s my job to tell you the truth, and I don’t think getting involved with this woman is a good idea.”

  “Christ.” I groan, lifting my hands above my head to grip the doorframe. “I said tell me something I don’t know. Of course it’s a bad idea, but staying away isn’t an option. I’ve already gotten involved. I know how nuts all of this sounds, but I feel drawn to her.”

  “That’s a pretty intense thing to feel for someone you just met.”

  “Seriously, Ally, you’re like freaking Captain Obvious tonight,” I scoff, shaking my head.

  Allison sneers before sticking her tongue out at me in response.

  “Why the hell do you think I’m so worked up? I don’t know what to make of all this shit.”

  “You know I’d never want to do anything to discourage you from pursuing something real for a change, but I think you need to be careful. It’s important that you try to look at this situation objectively. I mean, you don’t even know what the deal is with her husband, and she has two small kids. If you’re going to continue to pursue her, you need to be sure you’re considering all these things.”

  “Don’t you think I have?” I ask, exasperated. “I couldn’t sleep last night from pondering all this bullshit, wondering how I could even consider seeing her again. Hell, I don’t even know what it’d be like to actually date someone—to have a real, honest to god committed relationship. I knew better than to go today. But knowing what you should do and actually doing what’s right are two different things.”

  “She isn’t the kind of woman you can simply have fun with and move on from,” Allison says, lowering her voice and averting her eyes to her lap.

  “You really don’t think very highly of me, do you?” I chuckle to cover up the sting of hurt, but there’s no humor in my tone.

  She meets my stare again, shaking her head. “That’s not true. Behind that playboy exterior of yours, there’s a great man who’s waiting for the right woman to come along. I’m just not so sure this is the right woman.”

  Not being interested in serious relationships doesn’t make me a playboy. But Allison is right; getting involved with Lizzy would mean going all in, and I’m not certain that’s something I’m capable of doing. Nor is it something I should do without knowing where she stands with Xander.

  8

  Elizabeth

  When I get back to my house, I practically run inside, eager to hug my babies. But Cat is waiting for me as soon as I open the front door and corners me in the foyer.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, eyeing me with concern.

  Rubbing my hands over my face to wipe away any remaining evidence of the tears I’d shed, I smile with wide eyes. I’m not sure I look it, but I feel pretty good. It wasn’t easy to say those words to Xander, but it was freeing. My heart has been so heavy from carrying around the pain of losing him.

  “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” I look around her for Maddison and Sean, not hearing or seeing them. “Wait. Where are the kids?”

  “They’re outside playing with Lori.” Closing the little remaining space between us, she begins rubbing her hands up and down my arms. It reminds of the way she tried to comfort me in the hospital the night Xander died.

  “Cat, what are you doing? I want to go see my kids.” I unsuccessfully try to step away from her as she pulls me into a smothering hug.

  “Oh, Lizzy, are you sure you’re okay?” Her voice is strained, like she’s on the verge of tears. “You sounded upset on the phone.”

  “I’m fine. Are you sure you’re okay?” I pull out of her embrace, peering into her eyes. “You’re the one who seems to be upset about something.” Panic hits and my stomach drops as I take in the sadness behind her eyes. “Is it the kids?” Feeling frantic, I step around her to make my way to the back door. “Are they okay?”

  Cat steps in front of me, blocking my path again. “The kids are fine.”

  “Okay…” I narrow my eyes at her. “Then why aren’t you letting me go see them? What’s going on?”

  “I thought you might want to talk.”

  “Talk?” I ask, with a slight shake of my head. “No. What would I need to talk about?”

  She shrugs a shoulder. “I don’t know. Did anything eventful happen while you were getting coffee?”

  “What?” The hairs on my arms prickle and my breath catches. “Who told you about my panic attack?”

  “Panic attack,” she screeches, her eyes widening. “Oh my gosh, Lizzy, what happened? I thought you said you weren’t having them anymore.”

  “I haven’t been, but it’s not a big deal.” Stepping around her, I make my way toward the back door, needing to at least lay my eyes on my children since Cat seems determined to keep me from them.

  “It is a big deal. I’m worried about you, sis. We all are.” She follows right behind me. “Are you still seeing your therapist?”

  My anger spikes, and I whip around to face her, placing my hand on my hip. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I’m still seeing Dr. Gentry.”

  “I only ask because I care about you. It’s been over two years. It’s time to—”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize mourning your husband’s death had a time limit,” I counter.

  “That isn’t fair, Lizzy.” Cat puts distance between us and leans against the countertop, hugging herself. “I’m not saying you can’t mourn him or even miss him, but the way you’ve been living—or not living, as the case may be—isn’t good for you or the kids.”

  “Jesus.” I throw my hands up in the air. “I’m trying, okay?”

  “So, you didn’t go see Xander today?” She raises her eyebrows, her mouth pressing into a hard line.

  “That doesn’t mean anything,” I grit, cutting my eyes at her as my body tenses.

  Cat has pleaded with me time and time again not to spend so much time at the cemetery, saying my frequent visits would only hold me back. I ignored her, wanting to be close to him in any way I could.

  As much as I hate to admit it now, I know she’s right.

  “But it does,” she argues. “That’s what I’m talking about. It isn’t healthy.”

  “Just stop, okay. Yes, I went to see Xander, but I went there to tell him goodbye.”

  “What?”

  The backdoor swings open, grabbing our attention, and Sean comes rushing in.

  “Mommy!” he squeals, running over to me, his bright smile making me feel calmer.

  “There’s my sweet baby boy.” I drop to my knees, embracing him in a hug.

  Maddison comes in behind Lori but stays back by the door. She stares at me wide-eyed, fidgeting with the end of her braided hair. The look of uncertainty in her eyes as she regards me makes my heart ache. It’s as if she’s never sure how to act around me anymore. Probably because my behavior has been unpredictable for so long now. I’m going to fix that, though. I swear it.

  “Come here, baby girl.” I tuck Sean under one arm and wave her over with the other.

  “Mom, I’m not a baby anymore,” she protests, a smile spreading across her face as she willingly walks into my embrace.

  “Hey, Maddie, I was thinking maybe we could go to the zoo next weekend. We could make a day of it. Take a picnic with us and everything. What do you say?”

  “Really?” She pulls back until her eyes meet mine, and I nod, a smile on my face. “Like we used to do with Daddy?”

  “Yes, baby.” I keep my tone even, my smile and eyes bright.

  It’s time for me to be brave. Even though I’m frightened and unsure of our future, I need her to see that I’m going to try. She needs to know I want things to be better too.

  “Sean would love that.” She claps her hands together, bouncing on her feet.

  “Me too, baby.” I pull them both into another tight hug and look up at Cat.

  She’s watching us, her eyebrows knit together, a mixture of confusion and wonderment in her eyes. Things have been hard on her since Xander’s accident as well. Trying to help someone who’s constantly pushing you away isn’t easy. She was forced to watch as I faded away more with each day.

  Xander died, and I shut down. Effectively cutting the people who cared for me most out of my life. I was afraid letting their love in my heart would replace some of the agony I was feeling. I didn’t want to let go of my pain. I wanted to own every single ounce of it. But I’ve worn my pain like a badge of honor for far too long.

  It’s time for me to let the love in, and the pain out.

  9

  Elizabeth

  “Hi, Mom.” I let out a nervous breath, hoping she can’t hear it through the phone.

  “Lizzy? Is everything okay, sweetie?”

  My father hollers hello in the background, the greeting nearly drowned out by the sound of dishes clattering and bacon sizzling.

  “Hi, Daddy.” I chuckle. “Yeah, everything is good. I’m on my way to work and thought I’d call to check in and see how you’re doing.”

  “Oh,” she says simply. Yet somehow, emotion and joy are thick in her voice.

  I used to call my mother every morning on my way to work. We’d talk about how our week was going or what plans we had. She wasn’t only my mother, she was my friend.

  After everything changed, I didn’t want to talk about what happened. But I didn’t want to talk about my day as if nothing had happened at all either. So, I stopped calling and answering her calls. She never gave up trying, though.

  “Well…I’m good, dear. How are you?”

  “I’m pretty good.” It’s the first time in a long time I’ve been able to say that and actually mean it. I woke up this morning feeling lighter than I have in years. Saying goodbye to Xander yesterday was very therapeutic for me. “Sean even had a good drop-off at preschool.”

  “That’s wonderful. I told you he just needed some time to adjust.” Her warm tone brings a clear image of her wide smile to my mind.

  My parents have always been amazing, supportive, and understanding. All they ever wanted was for me and Cat to be happy, well-rounded people. They were always present in every aspect of our lives while still allowing us room to spread our wings. I owe them both so much.

  “How’s Maddison getting along in third grade?”

  Holding my breath, I take a moment to decide whether I should tell her about Maddison going to see a counselor. But I don’t want to dwell on the negative right now. “You know Maddie, she’s smart as a whip and loves school.”

  “Yes, she gets that from her momma.”

  “I don’t know about that.” I chuckle. “So, what about you and Daddy? Anything new or exciting?”

  “Well, it’s football season, so I haven’t seen much of your father,” she answers, laughing as my father shouts, “You’ve always been jealous of my first love!”

  My mother shoos him away, and I smile so wide it hurts my face.

  “Nothing much new with me, though,” she says. “I’ve almost saved up enough money from my Bunco winnings to buy that KitchenAid blender I want. Maybe you could come with me to pick one out,” she offers, hope clear in her voice.

  “I would really like that.”

  Talking with her this morning feels good. I love my parents and I’ve missed them. It’s time to mend our relationship.

  “Maddie, it’s time your mother and I told you the truth.”

  “The twoof about what, Daddy?” Maddison asks, her eyes wide with curiosity.

  Xander turns to smile at me, winking as he hoists her up onto his shoulders. We make our way closer to the exhibit, pushing our way through the crowd.

  “Well, you know how Mommy and Daddy call you their little monkey all the time?” he says.

  “Yeah…”

  “Do you know why we call you that?”

  “Mommy says it’s ‘cause I’m wild.”

  “That’s partially right.” Xander chuckles and I shake my head, unable to keep the telling smile off my face. “Do you see those monkeys over there, high up in the trees?”

  Maddison scrunches her face up, as if she’s struggling to see them even though they aren’t that far away. “Yeah, I see them, Daddy. They’re funny looking.”

  “That isn’t a very nice way to talk about your family,” Xander says, grinning.

  “Those monkeys aren’t part of my family,” Maddison protests.

  “Yes, they are. Those monkeys are your real parents. We’re bringing you back to them today,” he tells her, neither of us able to contain our laughter any longer.

  “Daddy, that isn’t funny. I know I’m not really a monkey.”

  “Lizzy, did you want anything from the concession stand?” Xander’s mother asks, bringing me out of my daydream.

  “No thank you, Anna. I’m good.”

  “Well, these two minions and I are going to go see what kind of goodies we can find.” Xander’s father rubs his hands together, smiling at Sean and Maddison who shout with excitement.

  As the three of them make their way over to the concession stand, Anna and I find a bench to sit on. I’m so glad we came today. The kids are having a blast, and the weather is perfect. It’s warm, with a nice, comfortable breeze.

  “It means a lot to me and Conor that you invited us to tag along with you and the kids today,” Anna says, her voice almost too quiet to hear over the crowd of people.

  Truth be told, coming here today is a little out of my comfort zone. The last time we were here, I still had Xander. He bought a stuffed animal for Sean; I was pregnant with him at the time. Now, Xander is gone, and my life will never be the same. The decision to invite Conor and Anna hadn’t been an easy one, but making them a bigger part of our lives is an important component in healing our family.

  “I’m really glad you could make it. I’m sorry I—”

  Anna reaches over to squeeze my hand as I begin to choke up. “I know, dear, and it’s okay. We understand.”

  “Thank you,” I whisper, unable to raise my voice any higher past the giant lump in my throat.

  After the accident, I stayed pretty close with Conor and Anna for a while. In fact, I was closer to them than anyone else at the time. They understood what I was feeling and going through better than anyone else could.

  That changed though. They began to feel more like a reminder of what I lost. It was too painful to have them around. Pulling away was selfish. Xander’s parents and the kids need one another—they’re all they have left of Xander.

  “I want you to promise me something,” Anna turns her gaze to me, locking her eyes on mine. The dark color of her irises reminds me of Xander, but instead of sorrow and loss, I feel peace.